jeez elephant can go faster [entries|friends|calendar] KAI [ website | like bears playing chess ] [ userinfo | livejournal userinfo ] [ calendar | livejournal calendar ]

if only people really existed [20 Jul 2009|04:12am] there are ones that breathe on top of trees and climb down for the winter. no you would not be. am was

your violin is sitting there [09 Jul 2009|03:35am] [ mood | hopeful ] dear world, i am asking you nicely to stop letting me down. i am far from depressed these days. if depression was a tyrant at one point, i've raised revolutions only to become many more tyrants. is it killing me? no because i am still very alive. i do not find it interesting to be around people anymore. i don't care if someone doesn't understand my tastes, they probably won't anyway. and if they have bad taste then i don't care for understanding theirs either. well, it's kind of easy to understand why people have bad taste, and they do because it is quite easy to. so i do understand and have a right to disagree. does bad taste mean everything that it is different than mine? no, it is the inability to understand beyond your own view. someone with good taste can agree or disagree with mine and i would love to meet them. i go through great lengths to understand other people but can hardly imagine them doing the same for me. i suppose i am not worth understanding. either the benefits are not rewarding enough or the costs of it are entirely too much to bear. i don't know what kind of scale is being used, but perhaps the weight of it all has crushed it forever. i am fine with being a weightless object, though. that's all i want. yet even i have trouble dealing with the external uncertainty of it. this is why i aim to have an accurate measure of myself, by myself, at least. it will be impossible for one person to even experience the many sides of me, since i do not let that happen. it is all my fault. or i must be waiting for the right person. well, the least i can do in the meantime is project some of these dimensions into accessible mediums. i am working hard at it. everything i'm doing and working towards is to find the right people that could one day learn to know me. looking forward to meeting you, kai 1,000,000 elephants want my autograph am was

which is now [28 Jun 2009|06:07am] I haven't written in a long time. I've been keeping to myself very much. That includes everything and it is a lot of keeping to do. Maybe I've been reading enough, substituting my own thoughts with what other people are thinking about. Its helped me understand people at least. I'm hoping that will help them understand me, eventually. After all, that is what I am about, at least to my understanding. It doesn't sound like me when I write. English isn't even the language I think in. I don't think in languages, though. That's why I'm afraid to write. I'll start to think the way I write, instead of writing what I think. There's been a lot of great things in my life. I'm dreading the future and tired of making sure that it will be even better than the past. Everything is great, but I've built a tolerance. I wish I could build tolerance that easily towards other things, like people. But then of course it wouldn't be so obvious to me who I really care about. I'm even tired of making sure of that. But I will still do it. Especially when I am most tired. I do get tired, but it is just a different gear for me. I enjoy the relaxation. It's when I'm more susceptible to new ideas and feelings. I make sure I get tired at least every day. Then I make sure I get beyond tired before retiring from all this. Which is now. 1,000,000 elephants want my autograph am was

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